KOTOR II: The Miffed Lords
by Misty Glow
Summary: The crazy adventure of the Exile and his crew of idiots. The force will never be the same again! Parody of the game.
1. Prologue: The Ever Hunk

**This is my attempt at a comic version of Knights of the ****Old****Republic****: The Sith Lords. I'll do more if there is an interest so let me know!**

**Disclaimer: I can claim no ownership of any of the Star Wars universe and their games.**

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**Prologue: The Ever Hunk**

The space worn freighter, _Ever Hunk_, has seen better days and a better looking crew. Its engines offline and the starboard hull half blown away; it is adrift in a dangerous asteroid field and things couldn't seem more pathetic.

Suddenly a lone astromech, T4-U2, sputters to life in the cockpit. He realizes that there is no pilot and his droid tea warmer arm explodes in fear, damaging his top unit and making it tilt clumsily to the side. The situation is even more dire as he realizes the ship is floating among an asteroid field. Rolling to the nearby galaxy map, T4-U2 notices that the nearest place to dock for repairs would be the Perilous Mining Facility. But how to get there?

T4-U2 scans his memory core. He believes that at one time he was more than just a tea server. At one time he actually used to fix things. Ah ha! Yes, T4-U2 has found the almost obscure data.

Rolling down the hall, he can't seem to get the door to the main tea room open. Making for the kitchen off to the left he finds the communications console and rams into it until the lounge music begins to play over the com system throughout the ship. T4-U2 tries banging on it again until the door to the main tea room finally opens.

Staggering through the door he notices a dead old hag lying on the floor. Apparently she must have fallen off her chair when they were attacked. Her teacup is still clutched in her boney hand and the front of her drab brown robes are still wet. A small metal flap opens on T4-U2 and a napkin on a metal arm extends out, dabbing at the foam on the old woman's chin. It's then that he notices a locker key sticking out of her pocket. The resourceful droid decides that she certainly doesn't need whatever she was stashing in that locker anymore and lifts the key.

"Statement: I am unable to open the door," said a voice from behind T4-U2. Loud banging could be heard from the pantry door. The curious astromech droid tries to open the pantry door but an annoying computer voice tells him that it is impossible.

"Deet reet doo bop doo bop!" says T4-U2 to the trapped occupant in the pantry.

"Exclaimation: Blast you!" comes the answer from the pantry. "Veiled Threat: When I get out of here I'll see that you never work a floating tea room again!"

"Bee boo deet ree!" answered T4-U2.

"Smart Ass Answer: Up yours too!" answered the voice from the pantry.

T4-U2 rolls away from the pantry door and scavenges for any spare parts he could find. When he passes by the security terminal he stops to check out the damage on the cameras. He notices that half the garage is missing and there is a man lying in the med bay. His need to serve is strong and he rolls south to the med bay to check out the injured man.

"Bee bop bee bop," T4-U2 signals. He shudders in surprise when the man's hand shoots out and grabs his metal arm.

"Med… pac!" the man manages to rasp out before he falls back into unconsciousness. T4-U2 has 0 treat injury points and has no idea what the human asked for. The only type of 'pac' he knows of is an ice-pack. Yes! That must be it. He rolls back to the kitchen and fetches an ice pack from the ice box. Rolling back to the man, he places it over his forehead and decides to continue his scavenging.

He rolls to the engine room, but the annoying computerized woman's voice yells at him once more and tells him that he'll need a mine to open this door.

"Bee root deet ree!" he yells back.

The voice responds back saying, "Watch your language or I'll start the self destruct sequence of the _Ever Hunk."_

T4-U2 continues his searching and comes upon another astromech droid, FU-2U, broken in the cargo hold. The lazy bastard, thought T4-U2, leaving me to do all the work around here. Pulling up his droid sock arm he punches FU-2U on his top unit and watches as the droid sputters to life.

After much rude beeping at each other, the two droids raid the cargo hold for all parts. They open the locker with the old woman's key only to find that the hag had stolen a large supply of their tea bags. The tea fell to the floor and T4-U2 let out a string of curses aimed at the dead old woman.

The annoying computerized woman's voice came over the com system and said, "I heard that! I will now start the automatic self destruct system of the _Ever Hunk_. The _Ever Hunk_ will self destruct in T-minus 30 minutes."

"Deet boo reet dee," said T4-U2.

"What was that?" said the annoying voice. "There is no primary power?"

"Bee reet!" came the mocking answer.

"Then I will resume the countdown when you have restored primary power," the voice concluded. "I cannot destroy the ship without power."

"Tee hee tee hee," the two little droids laughed.

Finding a blaster in one of the containers, T4-U2 sends FU-2U around to blast any com speakers inside the ship. Meanwhile T4-U2 takes the lift to the outer hull and rips more parts from the torn ship. He also finds the mines that he needs to blast the engine room door.

T4-U2 takes the lift down to find FU-2U pointing the blaster pistol at the unconscious man in the med bay.

"BEE REET!" screams T4-U2, stopping the level one droid from his folly.

"Ree too bee?" FU-2U asks.

"Beep ree deep dee," answers T4-U2 and hands FU-2U a mine, pushing him towards the engine room door. FU-2U rolls to the door and stands there in confusion until BANG! The idiot droid blows to bits along with the door to the engine room. Better him than me, thinks T4-U2 as he rolls in to fix the hyperdrive and restore primary power.

He scans his memory core for how to do this and tries to rig something up. POW! Ooops, I've blown the starboard engine. He tries again and this time finds success with the port engine as it hums to life again.

As he rolls back to the galaxy map in the cockpit he realizes that he still needed FU-2U if he wanted to explore the garage. Oh well, screw the garage, thinks T4-U2, I just want to get to the Perilous Mining Station. Perhaps they are in need of a tea serving droid, he hopes.

He hears the muffled voice coming from the shot up com speakers as the annoying woman's voice tries to speak again.

"Tee hee, tee hee," laughes T4-U2 as he presses the travel button set for the Perilous Mining Station.

Miraculously the ship maneuvers itself through the asteroid field and into the landing dock of the Perilous Mining Station. When they land T4-U2 hears the sound of a door opening and flames crackling.

"Beep?" he calls out. He shivers as the clanking sound of metal feet approach the cockpit and a dreaded voice says:

"Statement: Foul mouthed tea cozies must be punished."

T4-U2 felt his systems shut down as the HK assassin droid fired his ion blaster, knocking his spare teapot across the room.

**Phew! It's hard to write comedy when your characters are droids! I hope it was o.k. I'll continue with the Exile at the Perilous Mining Station next if there is enough interest. Please review and let me know!**


	2. The Hag and the Scoundrel

**Disclaimer: I can claim no ownership of the characters or settings used in this fiction.**

**The Hag and the Scoundrel**

"Awaaaaaaken" droned a voice in the handsome, buffed man's head. The fluid he was floating in drains from the tank and he is thrust forward onto a round platform with pretty blinky lights. He slowly regains consciousness and looks around. He's in a medical facility of some sort and there are four other kolto tanks besides his own in the room. In amazement he stares at the four identical quadruplets in the other tanks. They don't look so well. Perhaps they are clones, he wonders.

No one seems to be working nearby so he wanders out into the hall and sees a smoking, malfunctioning door up ahead. Not a good sign, he thinks as he turns the corner into the lab. Where the heck is everyone? He spots the medical lab computer terminal and notices the Emergency Lockdown warning on the top of the screen. Fiddling around with it some more he finds the medical logs. A holograph of a woman comes on and explains that he was the only survivor found on the _Ever Hunk_. There was also a dead old woman and a T4 unit brought from the ship as well as a protocol droid.

"What the hell? The _Ever Hunk_! I was on the _Hard Liquor Binger,_ a republic rehabilitation ship," he thinks. "How did I get on the _Ever Hunk?_ And how did I get here? What is this place?"

Another holographic log entry tells him that they suspect he's a Jedi! He looks down at the tattoo on his bicep that says, **Jedi have the biggest light sabers**, and says, "Damn, they know!" The woman's image continues to say that they contacted the republic and are waiting for instructions. Then she goes on to explain about some boring explosion in the ventilation shaft and how it killed the miner clones. A survivor said a droid did it. A log from yesterday continues to explain about more explosions and how the droids seem to be malfunctioning. "Yeah, yeah," mumbled the man, "talk more about me."

The last log shows the woman as she frantically exclaims about the emergency lockdown and how she's got to high tail it out of there. The man hit the terminal in frustration and said, "Yeah, but did she think I was cute?" Next he finds the medical logs for the patients in the Kolto tanks. The clones were all treated for plasma burns. A lethal dose of sedatives was given to all tanks, including his. "They tried to kill me!" There is no record of who ordered the treatment but if he finds a computer spike he'll be able to track down the last order.

"Well," he decides, "if they are trying to kill me then I don't feel so bad about ripping them off." He uses the terminal to open the medical storage compartment behind him and the morgue door across the hall. He steals med pacs and chemicals from the storage room and heads over to the morgue. "The stiffs won't need their items anymore," he says to himself.

There are only two bodies in the morgue, a dead old hag and someone lying under a sheet. The hag doesn't look like she'd have anything of interest so he goes to the body under the sheet and pulls out a plasma torch. "How come I get stripped bare and the dead get to keep stuff? Just doesn't make sense," he mumbles to himself.

"Find what you're looking for," a crackly voice behind him says making him jump in fright.

He spins around to see the old woman has risen from the dead and is looking right at him, "I thought you were dead!"

"No, it was just gas," she replied.

"Never mind," he said with a look of disgust. "Who are you and what is this place?"

"I am your rescuer, Krusty, and now you shall rescue me. You were the only survivor of the attack on the _Hard Liquor Binger_. You look troubled."

"Well, what do you expect? I wake up in some god forsaken medical facility where someone has been trying to shoot me with enough sedatives to kill a bantha and now I have an old woman by the name of Krusty telling me I have to rescue her."

"Sedatives?" she says in surprise.

"Yeah, and they killed the clones in the tanks but not me!" he answered.

"It must be your Jedi training that kept you alive. You put yourself into a Jedi trance."

"How did you know I was a Jedi?" he asked.

Her arm raised and a boney finger pointed out of the cuff of her robe at his tattoo.

"Oh, yeah," he said in embarrassment. "I was a bit drunk when I got that tattoo," he laughed nervously. "I'm not really a Jedi anymore. There was a bit of trouble with the order."

"Yes," said Krusty, "but let's concentrate on getting out of here. It is too silent here. We should find the ship we came in and leave quickly. I fear your attackers will not give up on you."

"What do they want?" he asks.

Krusty shrugs and says "I don't know. I just rose from the dead for crying out loud. I'm going to sit here on this floor and interrupt you with my psychic abilities while you try to find the ship. Now go!"

"Fine," grumps the man, "you just better hope I come back for you when I find a way out." He leaves with his plasma torch and easily opens the jammed door with it.

In front of him burned bodies and smashed droids lay in the room. "Eww," he says as he pinches a vibroblade out of a blackened, crispy corpse. The door to the dormitory level is jammed shut and he is unable to open it. "Damn! I bet that's where all the good loot is. There has to be another way in."

The next door he tries opens easily but he's surprised by the damaged mining droids that turn and fire on him. "Oh yeah," he yells as he runs up to them in turn and hacks at them with his vibroblade, "take that and that and that too." Every new room he comes to seems to have more droids and he turns them into scrap metal ever time. One of them even had a mining laser that he took.

In one room, a door marked 'emergency hatch' is locked tight. The man is startled when his head goes all fuzzy and a picture of Krusty comes to his mind saying, "In my vision that door is open."

"Krusty? Is that you? How can you talk to me in my head?" But Krusty doesn't answer. "Weird old freak," he mumbles and goes into the next room labeled 'security room'.

He frisks another dead body and acquires a security tunneler to use on a nearby locker. "Cool, some ion grenades!" he says as he turns to check out the security terminal information. The holograph of an angry security officer comes on screaming about some guy named Corky who brought explosive weapons into the tunnels. The officer can't figure out why the droids are going wacky and turning on the miners and he is suspecting it is because of the Jedi. "Yeah, always the Jedi's fault! Anything goes wrong it's 'let's blame the Jedi'." The holographic man then explains how he uses stealth to get to the administration terminal and shut down the droids.

The Jedi checks all the security cameras and can see that the next room has three droids in it. He also sees that a man is still alive in the prison. He leaves the terminal and before he can open the next door Krusty comes back into his mind and tells him to try to sense the droids in the next room. "I know that already Krusty! I've seen them on the camera," he says.

"Feel the energy… can you feel it," says Krusty in her creepy voice.

"Look, this is really starting to freak me out. Could you please give me a little privacy? Like if I have to take a wiz or something I want to know that you're not watching."

The Jedi opens the door and hacks up the droids, finding a stealth field generator as well as more med pacs in the metal lockers. "Oh yeah, invisibility!" he exclaims as he equips the belt and walks into the main administration room. There are about six of the mining droids waiting around. "Little bastards," he mumbles, "I'm just going to take you all out." He goes up to each one in invisible mode to attack them by surprise and hacks away. This turns him visible each time but somehow the other droids don't see him until he attacks them individually. "Peace of cake," he says as he now has a clear path to the administration terminal.

He flips off the force shield in front of the prison room doors and heads over to it. Before he steps in Krusty comes to his head again and says not to fear the prisoner, he might be useful. "Yeah Krusty, sure, whatever you say."

The prisoner watches as the man enters the room. "Hey, what's going on here?" the prisoner asks. "I'll have you know that I'm not going to just bend over and take it! You're in for a fight."

The Jedi looks at him in confusion, "What are you talking about?"

"You, coming in here naked!" the prisoner says. "If this is the way Perilous Mining Company treats its prisoners then I'm going to make sure the republic hears about this!"

"I'm naked because they took my clothes," the Jedi says.

"You're not going to rape me?" the prisoner asks in surprise.

"What? No! I woke up in med bay and discovered that everyone was gone. I was hoping you can tell me what happened."

"I'm not sure. There was some talk about some Jedi. Some people wanted to turn him over to the Exchange for the bounty on his head. The others didn't and that's all I know. Hey, wait… you're that Jedi," said the prisoner as he noticed the tattoo.

"Yeah, yeah, what's your name?" the Jedi asked.

"Atomic Randy, and you are?"

"Just call me Exile," the man said, "I could tell you my real name, but then I'd have to kill you."

"Whatever," Atomic rolled his eyes, "can you just get me out of here?"

"That depends, who are you and why are you in prison?" Exile asked.

"Look I'm an ex-soldier and why I'm here is not important. I can help you find a way off this asteroid if you get me out of here," Atomic said.

"Which war, the Panderinglorien?

"Yeah, that and the Jedi Civil War," Atomic answered.

"Jedi Civil War?" Exile asked in surprise. "The Jedi fought each other?"

"Where the heck have you been?" Atomic answered. "You know, that business with Reven and Malak?"

"They were lovers, right?" Exile said.

"Oh Jeez, I thought Jedi were suppose to be smart," Atomic said in exasperation. "Reven turned on Malak and killed him."

"That was harsh," Exile said. "What did he do, cheat on her? Couldn't they have kissed and made up?"

"Forget it! Just get me out of here!" Atomic snapped. "You must have been very far away not to have heard about the war."

"Not sure. I was stinking drunk most of the time. All the planets could have exploded for all I knew. I was on the recovery ship the _Hard Liquor Binger_ when I was attacked. I must have really pissed someone off somewhere, but I can't remember who. The last five years are pretty much a blur to me," Exile explained.

"Hey, that's great, but can you just flip that switch over there and get me out. I'm pretty handy with the computer and I think I may be able to open some of those doors for you," Atomic pleaded.

"Alright, but if your some sort of psycho killer I'll have you know that I've got a plasma torch and I'm not afraid to use it," Exile warned.

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**If you've read this far, please let me know what you think! I'll continue if you like it so far.**


	3. The Deceiver

**Hello! Here's the next chapter. I'd love more feedback, so please don't hesitate to send a review. I'd like to know if there's interest in this fic as it does take time to write. Thanks!**

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**The Deceiver **

Atomic and Exile run to the main computer console on the administration level and Atomic logs on. A hologram man comes into view once again.

"There were two droids found on the _Ever Hunk_," the hologram says, "an astromech droid, T4-U2, and a protocol droid. T4-U2 told us that the survivor was a Jedi. When Corky heard this, he became excited about collecting the bounty offered by the Exchange on all Jedi. That droid was such a sweetie. They've put him to work serving tea to the workers in the hanger bay. As for the protocol droid, he was a pain in the ass so we sent him down to help out in maintenance."

Atomic looked at Exile. "Are those your droids?" Atomic asked.

Exile shrugged and said, "I don't know."

Atomic did a computer check on all exits out of the administration level. "Damn! We are stuck. Good thing I have a deck of Pazaak cards. Want to play?"

"Hold on let me try something," Exile said as he hit a button marked 'Com System'. He checks each area of the facility and no one answers until he tries Hanger Bay 25.

"Beep reet do reet!" chimes T4-U2 when he hears the Jedi's voice over the com system.

"Wow! I got you!" Exile exclaims happily. "Are you T4-U2?"

"Reet! Bee boop dee ree?"

"No thank you," Exile answers, "I don't need a cup of tea at the moment. But I'd love some juma juice if you have it."

"Bee," chimes T4-U2 sadly.

"Well that sucks," Exile says in disappointment. "Now I forgot what I wanted to ask you. Hold on." Exile places his hand on his head and tries to remember.

Atomic says, "How about asking the little turd to get us the heck out of here!"

"Oh yeah," Exile says, "now I remember. T4-U2, can you unlock one of the turbolifts that go from the administration level? We're stuck here with a bunch of dead bodies and smashed droids. Not very pleasant at all."

"Beep reet!"

Exile turns to Atomic and says, "He says he'll try. Now how about that game of Pazaak while we wait?"

"O.K., but it's got to be Senate Rules," says Atomic.

"What does Senate Rules mean?" Exile asks.

"It means I'm too cheap to bet any of my credits."

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

T4-U2 happily begins to search for a computer terminal to plug into and help the Exile. The storage room he has been hiding in since the mining droids started attacking is full of things that may come in handy and he takes all he can. He tries one of the exit doors and travels along, using his Droid Sock Arm on the creepy mining droids that are popping out at him everywhere.

Dead bodies are everywhere and T4-U2 is sad that no one is left down here who may like a cup of tea. One dead body has a datapad that tells of sonic charges put in the fuel lines and that only droids had been in the area.

"That's right, blame the droids," thinks T4-U2. "Why is it always the droid's fault?"

T4-U2 is amazed at all the useful items he his finding as he finally comes upon a computer terminal in the hanger bay. Down below through a window he can see the _Ever Hunk_, but the door that goes to the dock is sealed tight.

The computer is damaged and T4-U2 can see that it has been shot with a laser. The little droid restores its functionality and finds that he cannot control any of the emergency systems from here. Control has been rerouted to a terminal in the fuel depot.

T4-U2 downloads a map and sets out on his way to find the terminal in the fuel depot. He socks more mining droids on his way and finally finds the lone terminal sitting like a beacon in the distance.

He plugs into the terminal and finds out that someone has programmed a phantom fuel leak in order to keep this facility in emergency lockdown. The little droid is able to unlock the emergency hatch of the administration level.

"Beep!" he celebrates. Just as he turns around, he sees the nightmare HK droid again.

"Observation: You should have stuck to serving tea," HK says as he shoots the little droid with a blast of ion.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Senate Rules is boring," says Exile. "How about we play strip Pazaak?"

"But you're already naked," reminds Atomic.

Just then a beep is heard from the computer and Atomic jumps up to look. "I don't believe it. The turd did it! He's opened the emergency hatch. Oh but wait, it goes down to the mining tunnels."

"What's wrong with the mining tunnels?" Exile asks.

"What? Are you kidding?" Atomic says in amazement. "That's where all the explosions are happening. And there are killer mining droids on the loose as well as…"

"As well as what?" Exile asks.

Atomic looks around with a frightened face and whispers, "The Perilous Phantom."

"The what?" Exile asks.

"They say the tunnels are haunted by a Phantom miner who died 10 years ago while digging," Atomic whispered with wide eyes. "I refuse to go down there!"

"Well, according to this map," says Exile, "it's the only way open to get to the fuel depot from here."

"How about I stay here and give you my sage advice over this com link?" Atomic says.

"Fine you big chicken, you stay here!" Exile says as he stomps off to the emergency hatch which is now unlocked. "Lazy jerk," he mumbles as he gets in the turbo lift and is lowered into the mining tunnel level.

"Testing, testing, one two three," says Atomics voice on the com link.

"What do you want?" Exile answers his com link.

"Just wanted to tell you to be careful," Atomic says.

"O.K. thanks," Exile says. "Oh and I think I've found some clothes and mining gear down here.

"Great! We can have that game of strip Pazaak later then," Atomic replied.

"It's a deal," says Exile as he dresses and gears up. "Now shut up so I can go in stealth mode and sneak by all those droids."

"Got it," says Atomic. "Won't say a word. Zipping my lips. Yes sir ree."

Exile flips on his stealth belt and sneaks into the mining tunnels. The spider like droids are milling around, waiting for someone to kill. Dead bodies are strewn about everywhere as Exile makes his way through the hot caverns, picking valuables off the dead as he goes.

"Easy pickins," he smiles to himself.

Finally Exile makes it to a large room which is marked 'Central Droid Control', on his map. Mining droids are patrolling all around the main terminal and he sneaks carefully passed them on his way to the computer.

"Woooooooooooooo, this is the phantom," says Atomics voice over the com link.

"Damn it Atomic!" yells Exile as the surrounding droids begin shooting at him. He has no choice but to pull out his vibroblade and begin hacking away at the droids.

A few medipacs later he has finally destroyed the droids and contacts Atomic on the com link. "That was really stupid!" yells Exile. "They could have killed me!"

"But they didn't," says Atomic.

Exile logs onto the computer and sees a holographic image of Corky and his pals as they plan to take the Jedi to the Exchange on Nar Shady. One of Corky's pals says he fought with you on Mail'n'more V.

"I was at Mail'n'more V?" Exile asks himself, trying to remember his foggy past. "Oh well," he shrugs as he shuts off the containment field out of the mining tunnels.

"What did you just do?" yells Atomic over the com link.

"I shut down the containment field so I can get to the lift to the fuel depot," Exile answers .

"Oh no! Run," panics Atomic. "The fuel is going to be vented through there soon and you'll be toast."

Exile runs down the hallways and finally makes it to the turbolift up to the fuel depot just in time. A large explosion propels him out of the lift and into the depot. "Wow! That was intense," he exclaims as he stands up and looks around.

It looks like he has reached maintenance and as usual there are dead bodies lying about. A protocol droid is standing by one of them and says, "Statement: It's nice to see you alive Master!"

"Don't start your statements with 'Statement,'" grumps Exile.

"Query: But why Master?" says HK.

"Because the writer of this fiction is tired of trying to figure out what kind of sentence it is that you're saying. She wants to concentrate on the story," Exile answered.

"Oh, alright Master," said HK in disappointment. "I shall make it easier for her limited meatbag brain."

"Why did you call me Master?" Exile asked.

"Because you're the only survivor of the _Hard Liquor Binger_. I was on that ship too and my old master was killed. So you're the lucky owner of a HK Assass…, I mean, Protocol droid now."

"Lucky me," Exile said. "Do you know how I got on the _Ever Hunk?_"

"Well Master, after five days of sobriety you had a major slip up. After a big juma juice binge, you passed out in a cargo hold."

"How did I find juma juice on a rehabilitation ship?" Exile asked.

"That is the big mystery Master," says HK. "I believe someone purposely wanted you to slip up and had smuggled the juma juice in from the _Ever Hunk_ when the _Hard Liquor Binger_ allowed it to dock for repairs."

"Who would want to do a thing like that?" Exile wondered.

"I don't know Master, but I did see a very old woman lying next to you in the cargo hold when a flurry of destruction hit the ship."

"Oh no," groaned Exile. "Please don't tell me that I slept with Krusty while I was drunk!"

"Alright Master, I won't tell you then. I will say that the old woman awoke and carried you onto the _Ever Hunk_. When I saw a bunch of assassins and a man who resembled dried Bantha poodoo causing havoc, I followed you and the old woman onto the _Ever Hunk._"

"Then what happened?" Exile asked.

"We took off and then the _Hard Liquor Binger_ fired on us, causing me to get locked into a storage closet until we arrived here. The ship was badly damaged, but the mining droids have repaired it now."

"Speaking of mining droids, how come they have all gone crazy and are killing everyone."

"They are poor quality droids Master. That's what happens when you don't want to spend the credits for better droids," says HK.

"Well, I'm getting out of here. There's not a cantina on this whole stinking rock," Exile complained.

"You can't leave Master. The only way to bypass the containment fields is if you have the code," HK says.

"Do you happen to know the code?" Exile asks.

"Yes, but that dead meatbag over there voice printed the terminals to accept only his voice," HK said.

"Hold on," Exile runs across hall and finds a voice print recorder waiting for him in a container. Then he runs back to HK, holding the recording device behind his back.

"O.K., I want you to say the code in the voice of the dead meatbag over there," Exile orders.

"No," says HK.

"What do you mean 'no'?" Exile says.

"I mean that I'm not going to do that Master. It would not be ethical."

"Ethical? Ethical? You're a damned droid! You don't have to be ethical. You only have to be obedient. Now, Master says repeat the code in that man's voice."

"No!" says HK again.

"I guess you're poor quality too, just like those mining droids, if you can't do a simple thing like this," Exile taunted.

"I AM OF TOP QUALITY MASTER," defends HK. "I can so do it. 'Maintenance Control Voiceprint ID: R1-B5,'" says HK in the voice of the dead man.

Exile smiles and holds up the recorder, "Got it! Tricked ya!"

"You will not get far with that Master," fumed HK. "You will have to go outside! There is no way for you to shut down my… I mean the containment fields in this fuel depot. You can only get to the dormitories and those are locked down too!"

"Dormitories? Cool. There's bound to be a bottle of juma juice in there somewhere. See you later fool," Exile laughed as he made his way down the hall.

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**Please review this chapter and let me know if you like it. I need to know if I should continue. Thanks!**


	4. Dastardly Deeds

**Hi everyone. Thank you to those of you sending reviews. They mean a lot to me and I'm happy to know that there are people enjoying this fiction. So please keep your comments coming. Hope you enjoy this next installment!**

**Disclaimer: I can claim no ownership of any of the Star Wars characters or places. **

**Dastardly Deeds**

Heading out of the Maintenance area with the voiceprint recording in hand, Exile heads out into the fuel depot proper and looks around.

"The fricken droid was right," Exile sighs as he sees the containment fields blocking his way to the left. More mining droids attack and he uses his sonic grenades and vibroblade to disable them.

He turns right and comes to the administration room of the maintenance level. He heads for the terminal and messes around with the buttons. "Oh yeah," he finally remembers, "the voice thingy is needed." He pulls out the recorder and plays back the voice he stole from the droid. Full system access is granted and exile gives a whoop, "Yes!"

He unlocks the door to the airlock as the only apparent way out is to go outside. Then he notices something flashing at him from the terminal.

"What!" he exclaims. This was the terminal used by the person who ordered the overdose of sedatives to be given to the patients in the med bay AND it took place after the computer was voice printed.

"Why that stupid dead meatbag! What did I ever do to him!"

Exile plays a hologram recording of the hateful maintenance officer who explains that the protocol droid was bothering him with a lot of stupid questions so he put him to work on the mining droids. He also says that the Jedi served with Reven in the Panderinglorien War ten years ago. Then he says the same thing that everyone has been saying about Corky wanting to turn him over to the exchange. He suspects that someone is trying to sabotage the facility.

"Yah, yah, I already heard all this," grumped Exile as he presses more buttons. Then a message caught his eye. The maintenance officer explains that if a ship was docked, then someone could bypass the containment fields by boarding the ship and going through the fuel lines to the other side of the fuel depot.

Exile checks the fuel lines on the camera and sees T4-U2 sitting in one of them. "What's he doing in there?" Exile wonders. "He doesn't look so hot."

Exile leaves the administration room and heads to the airlock after defeating more droids. He finds a space suit and climbs in. "These things always make me look fat," he whines.

Then he heads out onto the catwalk of the asteroid.

As Exile passes one of the exhaust ports a stream of hot gas shoots out and makes him dive for cover. "For crying out loud!" he yells in his helmet. Just then Atomic's voice comes over his com link.

"Exile? Is that you? I hear you," Atomic said cautiously. "Where are you?"

"Look out the window," Exile says.

Atomic presses his face to the glass and spots a man lying on the cat walk in a space suit. "Be careful," Atomic says. "I see someone out there. He might be trying to sneak up on you."

"That IS me, you moron. Can you shut the damn vents off? I think my ass hairs have just been singed off," Exile says.

"That's you? You look fat," Atomic observed with his face still pressed on the glass.

"And you look like an imbecile!" Exile retorted.

"Jeez, you don't have to be so mean!" Atomic said with a hurt voice. "Let me see what I can do." Atomic backs away from the glass and fiddles with the terminal. "Sorry, no can do. Can't shut them off so you'll just have to be careful."

"Well, that's a novel idea, thanks," Exile said as he crawls forward to avoid further burns.

"It's strange," Atomic says, "but it looks like that gas has been rerouted outside just a few minutes ago. Like someone knew you were going to be out there."

"Yeah? I think I have an idea of who that might be," Exile says, thinking of HK. "Thinks he's paying me back for tricking him."

"Who does?" Atomic asked in confusion.

"Never mind," Exile says as he stands up, finally in the clear away from the vents. "Hey, you want to see a neat trick?"

"Sure," Atomic says as he smashes his face against the glass again.

Exile unfastens a few weights from his boots and says, "Watch this." He bends his knees and launches himself upwards, doing the splits in the air in front of Atomic's window and then going slowly back down.

"Wow… that's so cool," Atomic says in wonder. "Can you do a back flip?"

"Let's see," says Exile as he launches himself in the air again and slowly manages to tumble himself backwards in the air. Except when he lands this time, he misses the cat walk and has to reach out and quickly grab onto the edge of it. "Aw that was close!" Exile pulls himself back up to the catwalk and says, "You want to see a front flip?"

But Atomic doesn't answer him. His dumb struck face is staring straight out at the large space cruiser coming to dock. Exile turns around and watches the ship as it slowly pulls in, the words _Hard Liquor Binger_ are painted boldly on its side along with a picture of juma juice with a large red X on it. Inside the bridge window a slew of drunken sith assassins could be seen dancing in a conga line, juma juice sloshing out from their cups.

"Those bastards!" cursed Exile. "They're the ones who brought the juma juice on board!"

"Huh?" said Atomic. "What are you talking about?"

"Never mind," Exile said. Then a scaly man with part of his face gone came up to the window and looked out at the Exile on the cat walk. "That must be the dried Bantha poo doo man that the droid mentioned."

"Poo doo man?" Atomic asked.

"Never mind," said Exile again.

Poo doo man lifted his hand at the watching Exile and stuck up his middle finger at him. "Hey, he flipped me off!" Exile said.

"I don't think he likes you very much," Atomic said. "What did you do to that guy to get him so mad?"

"I don't remember," Exile said. "But I think I better get going now. He's really making me nervous with that exposed eyeball look he's giving me."

"Alright, just hurry and get back," Atomic said nervously. "I don't want to face poo doo man alone. There's something strange about him. Something not quite normal."

"Ya think?" Exile snapped. "I'm going to do the splits over this next gas vent and then get into the dormitories. I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

"Alright, be careful," Atomic said.

"Enough with the 'be careful' stuff already," Exile said as he took a flying leap over the gas vent.

"Now that was the best one so far," Atomic said, clapping.

"Thanks," Exile said. "See ya soon." He continued to the dormitory airlock and stepped inside.

He took off the spacesuit in relief and heard the sound of metal clanking behind the next door. "More droids," he said, as he geared up for battle. Fighting his way towards the storage room he finds a dead woman with a datapad. She says she was trying to get to the dormitories but the turrets wouldn't let her. Her friend Mybad was killed trying to run past them. Then she complains that she couldn't get into the storage room.

Exile turns around and sees the door marked Storage Room. He easily unlocks it and looks back down at the dead woman. "You must have been pretty lame, lady," he says. Then he turns and snags everything he gets his hands on.

"Now to get by the turrets," he says as he equips his mining rifle and opens the doors. The turrets begin to fire at him but he shoots back with the laser until they are both destroyed. When he walks through the room, he sees dead Mybad lying on the floor. "You disable the turrets and THEN you enter the room!" he tells the dead body.

In the next hallway he destroys yet more mining droids until he comes to the Shift Assignment Console. He repairs it and takes a look. It shows that the number of miners available for duty has decreased in the last three days. Exile scans the rooms with the camera and sees the mess hall, full of droids, and the poison gas vents simmering in the west dormitories. He can see dead bodies laying everywhere and no sounds or voices coming from any of the rooms on the com system. "Surprise, surprise," he says.

Exile is able to shut off the gas from this terminal and open the door to the dormitories. He is just about to enter them when he stops in his tracks and looks to the right. A sign with an arrow pointing to the mess hall can be seen.

"Mess hall? Perhaps a little juma juice stored away in there somewhere?" he mumbles. He turns and fights more droids and turrets, stealing all the items he can along the way. A data pad tells that the fumes have been making the miners nauseous. "Yeah, fumes will do that," Exile agrees. An even more interesting find is a data pad that tells of a hidden stash of contraband in one of the east dorm rooms. "Contraband huh?" says Exile in excitement. "Better check it out." But first he rummages around the kitchen, throwing food off the shelves and out of the containers. "Damn it, where's the juice?" he yells.

He has no luck finding any juma juice and resigns himself to exploring the dorms for more goodies to take. Heading for the east dorms first he frisks all the dead bodies and hacks up a few more droids. Room by room, he empties the valuables, until he comes to a room that he needs to blast open with a mine. When he succeeds he finds the hidden contraband that was promised.

"Oh MY!" he exclaims as he looks at the treasure. "A bottle of Juma Juice and a copy of Space Slut magazine!" Exile jumps on the bunk and opens the bottle with his teeth as he turns the pages of the magazine, his eyes wide with excitement. He pulls open the centerfold of a naked Twi'lek woman riding a Kath Hound and sighs. "How did they ever do that shot? I wonder if it was a real Kath Hound. I'd love to be that Kath Hound." He gets a dazed look on his face as he daydreams until a siren goes off throughout the facility. He shakes his head and returns to reality. "Oh yeah! Poo doo man! I forgot about all that. I sure hope Atomic and Krusty are all right." He hops off the bed and rolls up the magazine and shoves it in his pack along with the rest of the Juma Juice.

Exile finds some more data logs on a dead foreman and on a dead dock officer. But he needs a haloreader to view them. After he cleans out the bodies and rooms of their items he heads to the west dorms and does the same there. The dead mine administrator is lying next to a functioning haloreader and he too has a log to be plugged in.

Exile plugs in all three logs and gleans more about what happened. The mine administrator gives part of the code for the turbolift out of here. He says they have locked down the dorms because of the explosions and they should have enough supplies to last a month. He thinks that Corky is to blame for all this. Then Exile watches as the poison gas fills the room and the miners all fall over with a thunk. "That's horrible," Exile says.

The mine foreman log explains that Corky wanted to recruit him to help kidnap the Jedi. But the mine foreman says he doesn't want to deal with the Jedi, that Jedi cause big trouble and make big wars. "We're not THAT bad!" Exile says to the hologram. The hologram continues to tell of Corky teaming up with the maintenance officer to start a diversion. Then Corky came into the hologram and knocked the foreman out. "Stupid punk," said Corky, "if you're not with us, your against us."

The dock officers log says that he wants to evacuate the dormitories to the hanger bay but they can't get by the containment fields. He's been transmitting codes into space as a distress signal. He shows the codes he's been sending and Exile smiles. "Well that was easy. I'm outta here."

Exile leaves the dorms and finds the turbolift to the administration level. There are three dead bodies in the room before the lift and one has a hologram. Exile plugs the hologram in and sees that the dead bodies are Corky and his thugs. Corky is recorded talking to the maintenance officer about their plans to turn the Jedi over to the exchange. Corky says he knows someone who can arrange transport. Then a message comes on of the maintenance officer, telling Corky that he's sending some mining droids to the dorms and that he's gassing everyone. Corky tries to get out through the turbolift, but the codes have been changed. Then HK's voice comes over the hologram, mocking Corky and his pals as Corky dies.

"So, it wasn't the maintenance officer after all!" Exile finally figures. "It was that HK droid! He's the one who killed everyone and shot me full of sedatives! He better hope I don't run into him again!"

Exile punches in the turbolift code and makes it back up to administration level.

As the lift door opens Exile jumps back in surprise as he comes face to face with Krusty.

"Krusty! You scared me!" Exile exclaims. "What are you doing slinking around like that?"

"Our enemy is heeeerrrrreee," she wails. "The one who fired upon the _Ever Hunk."_

"Poo Doo man?" Exile asks.

"Huh?" Krusty looks at him in confusion. "I have no time to tell you, you took too long down there. What were you doing?"

"Well, uh, … finding a way out, you see," Exile said.

"Why does your breath smell like Juma Juice," Krusty asks, sniffing the air.

"You must be hallucinating," Exile answers.

"We must leave quickly. If we can't reach the _Ever Hunk_ we must escape on the ship that just docked here," Krusty says.

Exile remembers the drunken sith dancing with juma juice in their hands and says, "Yeah, that might not be such a bad idea."

"Come on," Krusty screeches and pulls him back into the main administration area.

They run back up to the communication's blister where Atomic is standing with his back to them. Atomic turns around and says, "Hey, you made it and… WHOA, who's the old one?"

"This is Krusty, she's coming with us," Exile says.

"You Jedi seem to be breeding around here," Atomic comments.

"What? Who told you that? Did that droid come here and speak to you?" Exile said as he worried about anyone finding out that he slept with Krusty while he was drunk.

"I have no idea what you're talking about!" Atomic said. "I only meant that I didn't know there were two of you here! Jeez, you're so touchy."

"We have no time to talk about this now," Exile says. He tosses some lasers to Atomic and Krusty and says, "We need to get on the _Hard Liquor Binger_. It's the only way we can get past the containment fields and finally to the _Ever Hunk_.

The three start running towards the docking bay but stop in their tracks when they notice HK standing there with some floating droids.

"You should have stayed put Master," says HK.

"I know all about you now, you murderer. You killed everyone here!" Exile shouts.

"No Master, not I. I had the poor quality droids do all my dirty work for me," HK says. "I was trying to protect you Master. The miners were going to turn you in for the bounty and I couldn't let them take my prize away from me. I administered the sedatives to you in order to keep you quiet while we awaited a ship."

"Why you stupid oaf! You could have killed me," Exile said. "Who's paying you to find me?"

"I can't tell you that Master," HK said. "I can only say that he's very wealthy and he wants to possess you."

"Possess me?" Exile said. "Well you can just tell your boss that I'm not a Panderinglorien. I don't believe that people can be owned."

"Oh get over yourself Master! You know, you were very difficult to find. I happened to find you by chance on the _Hard Liquor Binger_. I was so excited! I sabotaged the ship but then that blasted _Ever Hunk _showed up!"

"You're the one who sabotaged the _Hard Liquor Binger?_ Are you responsible for giving me Juma Juice as well?"

"Yes Master, I knew you had to be sedated somehow. Then that old woman showed up and tried to take you away! Now, Master, you need to go back to your Kolto tank and wait like a good little drunk."

"I'll show you a good little drunk!" Exile fumed as he took aim. Krusty and Atomic began firing as well, hitting the floating droids first and causing them to explode. Finally HK exploded.

"That was fun," said Atomic.

"Yeah, it was nice to shut him up. Let's pick his parts clean and get off this asteroid," Exile smiled.

Krusty lifted her arm straight up and pointed at the ceiling as she yelled, "To the _Hard Liquor Binger_ and beyond!"

Exile and Atomic looked at her in silence for a few moments. Then Exile said, "Yeah, Krusty, whatever."

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

**Next Time: The exciting escape from Perilous Mining Facility! Our heroes FINALLY reach the _Ever Hunk._**

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**Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please make some noise and let me know! I'll try to get the next chapter to you sooner. **


	5. A Perilous Escape

**Hi everyone. Thank you to everyone who has sent me reviews. I greatly enjoy reading your comments.**

**Sorry it's been awhile since my last update. I have to replay the game and take extensive notes as I go along, so it takes some time. **

**Hope you enjoy this next installment. Let me know!**

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**Escape from Perilous**

Exile, Krusty and Atomic run up the docking ramp and onto the command deck of the _Hard Liquor Binger._Suddenly Krusty holds out her arm to halt her companions.

"Wait!" Krusty says. "Something is wrong… I sense no one on board."

"Why would that be wrong?" asks Atomic. "Sounds like a good thing to me."

"Everyone has been slain," Krusty continues. "Yet there are no signs of battle, no carbon scoring, no blaster fire and no fecal smells."

"Fecal smells?" Exile asks.

"Yes, fecal smells," Krusty says. "You know… when scared people shit their pants. This place has been hit by assassins of a different sort."

Atomic looks around him with worry and says, "Then what are we doing on this ship? I didn't sign up to get myself killed by assassins! I just want a nice safe rescue. You two have to be the most stupid Jedi I have ever met to lead us in here!"

"Keep your voice down you idiot!" snaps Exile. "Listen, we just need a plan."

Krusty pushes her palm straight out and says, "Silence! I will think of a plan." She closes her eyes while the others watch her and hums, "Ohmmmmmmmmmm…Ohmmmmmmmmmm… Ohmmmmmmmmm."

"Well?" says Exile after Krusty opens her eyes.

Krusty shrugs and says, "I don't know."

"Well," says Exile, "one of the holo logs I listened to said we can bypass the force field to the hanger bay by getting to the engine room on this ship. We just have to exit through the fuel line."

Atomic shakes his head, "Look, I hate to rain on your parade, but even if you could reach the _Ever Hunk, _it wouldn't matter. You'll need the orbital drift charts so we don't hit those asteroids, unless you just want to end your miserable little life right now and save the universe from further grief and pain due to Jedi stupidity and arrogance."

"What fun would that be?" Exile said. "This ship got through the asteroid field just fine."

Atomic knocks on Exile's head and says, "Knock, knock, anybody home? Of course they did. Because they probably have the orbital drift charts in their navicomputor."

"Then lets get their codes," Exile says.

"But… that means we'd have to get to the bridge," Atomic says. "And what if those assassins attack us?"

"Then we kill them," Exile says calmly.

"That's a good plan for now," says Krusty. "Let's go. Be mindful of the present!"

"Gee, thanks for the tip," Atomic says. "I was busy thinking about clipping my toenails."

Exile leads them towards the bridge. Dead bodies of the former crew are all strewn about. They easily enter the bridge and download the orbital drift charts from the navicomputor. They also take the time to scroll through the _Hard Liquor Binger's _logs.

An emergency broadcast of the distress signal from the _Ever Hunk_ is replayed. The hologram captain says he's cautious about intercepting them while they're under Sith attack.

Another log of the captain's explains how they boarded the Sith warship and it was empty except for one very badly injured man with an exposed eye ball. Initial boarding of the _Ever Hunk_ showed everyone dead except for a T4 unit. The captain wonders why Admiral O'Nasty wants him to bring back the _Ever Hunk_. He also wonders where all the Sith have gone.

A last hologram of the captain has him explaining how the ship is malfunctioning and then a recording from the med lab has the sound of crashing and a man's deep voice saying, "I have come for the Jedi!."

"Well, it looks like Poo Doo man really is after you," Atomic says.

"The Sith must have used stealth to come aboard," Krusty says. "We must be extra careful."

"You know, I'm going to yak if anyone says 'be careful' one more time," Exile says, disgruntled.

"Really?" Atomic questions. "Let's try it out. Be careful."

Exile bends down and vomits on Atomics shoes. Atomic stomps the mess off his feet as much as he can and says, "You didn't have to do it on ME."

"Any other challenges you want to offer me?" Exile says sarcastically.

"Yeah, actually," Atomic says. "O.K., stand close behind Krusty first."

Exile stands behind Krusty and waits.

"All right, ready?" Atomic says and waits for Exile to nod. Then he says, "Be careful."

Exile vomits on Krusty's back causing the old woman jump up and turn around, placing a hard slap across Exile's face.

"Cool," says Atomic. "It really works."

"Enough of this foolishness," Krusty says as she tries to get the vomit off by using Force Push. "Let's go."

They make their way through the ship, taking all the valuables they find with them. Suddenly a group of Sith assassin appear behind them and Atomic pushes Krusty towards them yelling, "Do something old woman!"

"Help us Atomic," says Exile as he hacks away with his vibrosword.

"Fine, fine," Atomic grumps and he pulls out his blaster pistol. They soon subdue the assassins but are faced with many more as they make their way through the ship. Somehow, luck seems to be on their side and they are not harmed.

Entering the briefing room of the ship, Exile again checks the logs. Again a hologram of the captain appears. He talks about how they were on their way to planet Putmoron when they received an order from Admiral O'Nasty to go to the Outer Rim and abduct a drunken man who had been staggering around and causing problems. They were to sober him up and bring him to Tealess.

Another hologram talks about the distress signal from the _Ever Hunk_ and how Admiral O'Nasty really wants both the ship and the drunk to arrive in Tealess. Then the captain says he sent the HK droid to look out for the drunk's safety.

"Yeah, thanks captain," Exile says to the hologram. "He really looked out for my safety!"

Then Exile, Krusty and Atomic head for the crew quarters and Exile passes the room he had stayed in before.

"These were my quarters," Exile says.

"How do you remember? You were drunk!" Atomic says.

"I wasn't drunk for a few days after I sobered up," Exile explains. "Hold on, I want to get something." Exile leaves them in the hall and enters his old room. He opens his locker and retrieves his five issues of Space Slut magazine, shoving them into his pack. Then he finds his datapad with a message from the med lab. It says that he is to report to med bay and stick this datapad in the medical computer to receive his injections.

Exile joins Atomic and Krusty again and says, "Let's check out the Medical Bay." When they enter the Medical Bay, they notice a mess of shattered glass in front of a destroyed Kolto tank in the center of the room. There is also a damaged medical droid that Exile repairs so that it would follow them around and heal them when they needed it.

Exile plugs his datapad into the medical lab computer and finds that someone had ordered a large dose of concentrated Juma Juice injections for him three days ago. "It was that HK unit!" Exile fumed.

Playing back the holologs, a Medical technician says that since they've picked up the Sith wreckage, crewmen have been disappearing. She also says that she feels like she's being watched. She also talks of the Sith survivor and how cracked he is, his skull having been fractured many times. She doesn't know what's keeping him together and he must have been in constant pain.

Finally the technician reports that the Sith must have boarded with the _Ever Hunk_ and they are killing everyone. Then the image of the Kolto tank behind her shows Poo Doo man waking up and busting through the glass. He looks around and leaves the med lab.

Exile looks up at Atomic. "Poo Doo man must be a Sith Lord!"

"You're right!" Krusty says, pounding her fist on the computer for emphasis.

They search the lab for things to steal and Krusty announces that she's handy with the lab table and if they want, she can cook up some stimulants for them.

"Not now Krusty. We have to get out of here," Exile says.

Subduing more Sith assassins, the trio make their way through the ship and find the droid maintenance room where Exile finds a datapad. It explains about the strange behavior of the HK droid and says that he doesn't follow orders very well. He's been seen in the crew quarters and the med lab and other places he should not be and only gives smart ass answers when questioned. "What a surprise," grumped Exile as he threw the datapad on the floor.

The three of them finally make it to the turbolift that goes down to the engine room. When they exit the lift, Atomic says, "I have a bad feeling about this."

"What are you whining about now?" Exile says, rolling his eyes.

"Don't you feel it?" Atomic says.

"Uh… no," Exile answers.

"I have a special ability to sense danger. We'll have to be…"

But Exile quickly holds up his hand and says, "Don't you dare say it again."

"Oh alright," Atomic frowned. Then he quickly said, "Be careful!" and he laughs.

Exile projectile vomits down the hall. "Damn it!" he said when it stopped. "That's not funny."

They run around the stream of vomit and down the hall. Suddenly they stop and turn around when they hear a loud slap and a man cursing, "Shit!" Their eyes grow big when they realize that Poo Doo man had just slipped in Exile's vomit and slid across the floor. He tries to stand up, but each time he slips again.

"Poo Doo man!" Atomic cries. "I knew there'd be trouble!"

"This battle is mine alone," Krusty says bravely. "So run along. I'll join you later."

"Sure Krusty," Exile says as Krusty walks towards the slipping Poo Doo man and closes the door behind her. Then he looks at Atomic and says, "At least she'll stall him for awhile. Let's get out of here."

In the maintenance room, Exile uses the computer to open the maintenance doors to the ion engines. He then activates an engine coolant so they won't get burnt and unseals the hatch to the fuel line.

Atomic looks at Exile in surprise and says, "I thought you were only joking before. We aren't really going to cross back to Perilous through the fuel line are we? That's crazy!"

"Listen moron, it's the only reason we made this whole trek through this ship with its Sith obstacle course," Exile says. "We aren't backing out now. Would you like to stay and help Krusty with Poo Doo man?"

"No, no," Atomic says, "I'll just take my chance with the fuel line."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Meanwhile:

Poo Doo man sits sprawled in the vomit as Krusty approaches.

"I sense you, my Master. You are faint… weak," Poo Doo man says.

"Your senses betray you, as you betrayed me," Krusty replies.

"After all that has happened, still you live," says Poo Doo man. "Why don't you die, bitch?"

"You are too limited to kill me," Krusty says. "You sit in a pile of vomit and yet you have learned nothing – that is your failing."

"The failure is yours," Poo Doo man says. "No longer do you whisper your perverted ideas in my head; no longer do I suffer beneath teachings that weaken us. And now you run in search of the Jedi. They are all dead, save one – and one stinking drunk cannot stop the darkness that is to come."

"For a drunk, he is better in bed than you," Krusty laughs until a sharp, agonizing pain enters her wrist. Poo Doo man had managed to lunge and bite off her hand!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Back in the fuel line, Exile bends over holding his wrist in pain.

Atomic yells, "Damn it! I didn't say the words. Don't puke again!"

"It's not that," Exile says as the pain fades. "My hand felt like it was being dipped in molten carbonite."

"I heard that happens to guys who read too many Space Slut magazines," Atomic laughs. "Get it? Hand hurts…"

"Yeah, yeah," Exile says with a frown. "I get it. Very funny. Now let's go."

They continue down the fuel line when they come upon T4-U2.

Atomic says, "Hey, it's a tea droid. Looks like he's been hit with an ion charge and dumped here."

"Dee… reet. Deet… eet?" says T4-U2.

"I know. We ran into that bastard HK unit earlier, he attacked us too," Exile says to T4. "Don't blame yourself. You got us out of the administration level and I owe you one. Come with us, we have to hurry."

"Bee reet doo ree?" T4-U2 asks.

"Sorry, we don't have time for tea right now. Maybe after we get away from Perilous," Exile explains and they continue down the fuel line and into the fuel depot of the Perilous Mining Facility. They are happy to see that they are now on the other side of the containment fields.

Destroying ever more mining droids as they go, they make it through the fuel depot and take the lift to the Docking Bay. When they make it to the hanger door, Atomic says, "This door's magnetically sealed! I can't believe this! The ships right out there and we can't get to it!"

"Beep ree dee doo," says T4-U2.

"Huh?" says Atomic. "What's that tin can saying?"

"He says he can open the door to the hanger from that console up on the platform," Exile answers.

"How can you understand all that noise he makes?" Atomic asks.

"I've been around a lot of serving droids while I hung out at cantinas," Exile says.

Atomic looks at T4 and makes a shooing motion with his hands, "Go on. Get! Open the door."

T4 makes a rude noise at Atomic and then ascends the ramp to the terminal. The _Ever Hunk_ could be seen through the glass window from here. _Stupid humans, _T4 thinks, _they could have broken this glass window and got into the hanger. But then they would have probably left me here instead of helping me down. Ah well._

The hanger door slides open as T4-U2 finishes slicing into the computer and he rolls quickly to catch up with Atomic and Exile as they charge ahead, battling more mining droids. _They are trying to ditch me, _thinks T4.

T4 finally catches up with them when they reach the decontamination chamber. Using the terminal, Exile shuts down the lethal gas shooting out in the next room and they enter the chamber. Finally they reach the Hanger Bay and scour the hanger for any valuables before boarding the ship.

"Woo hoo!" Atomic cheers. "We are outta here!"

"Um… not so fast," Exile says as they climb the ramp to the ship. Sith assassins come running out of the wall. "Hurry, you warm up the engines and I'm going to play shooting gallery."

"Why do you get all the fun?" Atomic whines.

"Do you really want a drunk flying this ship?" Exile asks.

"You have a point," Atomic agrees. "I'll get the engines going."

Exile runs to the shooting turret and begins blasting at the barrels of fuel so that the Sith blow up. He gleefully guns down the Sith trying to run aboard. "Why didn't we close the hatch behind us?" he thinks as he shoots and some Sith get past him. "T4? Close the hatch, will you?" he yells over his shoulder.

He hears, "Dee ree doo ree," in the distance.

"What!" Exile exclaims. "You have company to serve? What the hell are you talking about?" Exile does not see anymore Sith running in the Hanger so he gets up and goes into the main tea room. Five Sith assassins are sitting at a table while T4 pours tea from a spout in his plating. "T4? What the heck are you doing? Those are Sith!"

The Sith pick up their tea cups and take sips. A few seconds later they fall off their chairs and die.

Exile smiles at T4 and says, "Very clever T4. I'll never doubt you again."

"Bee!" T4 exclaims happily.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Please send me a review and tell me how you like it so far. Reviews keep me coming back to write more, so please let me hear from you. Thanks!**


	6. An Unwelcome Arrival

Hi everyone. Again, I apologize for the delay in updating. Life's been busy. Here's the next edition to this crazy adventure. I hope you enjoy it! Let me know.

**An Unwelcome Arrival**

Exile runs into the cockpit as Atomic flies the ship out of Perilous Mining Facility and through the asteroid field. "Avoid the asteroids and then jump to hyperspace," Exile says.

"Oh, really?" Atomic says, sarcastically. "I thought I would just drive us straight into one of those big rocks."

"That would not be wise," says a crackly voice behind them.

Exile and Atomic both jump, startled at the sudden appearance of Krusty.

"How did you get on here?" Atomic asks, amazed.

Krusty shrugs and says, "I'm like a wart. You can keep getting rid of me but I'll always come back again."

The _Hard Liquor Binger_ begins to fire at them but hits an asteroid, which causes all of Perilous to explode.

"Damn," Exile says, "but at least everyone there was dead already."

"Yeah, true," nodded Atomic. "Hold on everyone. We're jumping to hyper speed."

The ship makes a sudden jolt, knocking Exile into Krusty's arms. Krusty holds on to him and smiles into his face, wagging her eyebrows. Exile jumps away from her and clears his throat. "Yeah, well, do you have any idea what those Sith want with me?" Exile asks.

"You are the last Jedi. Once you are dead, then they have won," Krusty states.

"Won what?" Exile wonders.

"Well, last I heard, the grand prize was an all expenses paid trip to the Outer Rim world of Farbia," Krusty says. "But I think they're throwing in some extra bonuses now."

"So there is a bounty on my head?" Exile says, trying to make sense of it all.

"Sounds like it," Krusty says.

"But who wants me dead and why?" Exile asks.

"Oh for Pete's sake!" Krusty grumps. "How should I know? All I know is that you're the last of the Jedi!"

"The last? That can't be true. Besides I'm not even a Jedi anymore," Exile says.

"You're the only one that wasn't killed by the Jedi Civil War or seduced by the dark side, gallivanting off to follow Revan," Krusty explains.

"That's bull! What about the Jedi on Dreamadream and Coreslime?" Exile asks.

"The Jedi Academy on Dreamadream is nothing but a brothel now. And the Jedi Temple on Coreslime lies empty. The Jedi couldn't come up with the taxes," Krusty explains.

"There has to be others, there just has to!" Exile states.

"Nope!" Krusty says.

"Yup!" Exile retorts.

"Nope, nope, nope!" says Krusty.

"Yes, yes, yes," Exile replies.

"Enough children!" Atomic yells. "Let's just call a stalemate here. I want to get to Tealess without listening to your crap."

"Are we there yet?" Exile asks.

"NO!" Atomic answers.

"Are we there yet?" Krusty asks.

"NO, I SAID!" Atomic answers. "If one of you asks me that just one more time, I turn this ship around and head back to that asteroid field. Now get your asses out of cockpit and leave me in peace."

Exile and Krusty make their way to a dormitory to talk and Exile says, "How can we stop the Sith from this murderous rampage?"

"It won't be easy," Krusty replies. "We'll need allies, weapons, and an extremely old woman with strong dark side powers."

"Where can we find all that?" Exile asks. "Besides, I just want to defend myself. Not start a war."

"You hear but you do not listen!" Krusty snaps. "My wound pains me. My hand has been cut off and my arthritis is acting up and all you can do I ask me stupid questions. Have you no pity for me? How about a nice relaxing back rub?"

"But you have only one hand left?" reminds Exile.

"No! I meant for you to massage me!" Krusty answers as she lies on a bed.

Exile backs slowly away towards the exit. "Uh… I need see if Atomic needs help…" He turns and hurries back to the cockpit. He pops his head in and says, "Hey, Atomic, Krusty needs to see you."

"Why?" Atomic says. "She wants to play Pazaak?"

"Yeah, sure, probably," Exile smiles. "I need to see T4-U2. I don't have time to play."

"All right," Atomic shrugs. "Haven't got much to do anyway. We're on automatic pilot until we reach Tealess."

**Ten minutes later:**

Atomic runs into the tearoom, shaking with fear. "You bastard, Exile! You are so going to pay for that one. Do you know what she wanted me to do?"

"Bee, Bee, Bee," laughs T4-U2.

"I think I have an idea," Exile chuckles, sipping his tea.

"I'll have nightmares for weeks!" Atomic says, throwing his hands in the air and giving Exile a dirty look.

Atomic hears Krusty coming down the corridor and he runs back to the cockpit. Krusty walks into the tearoom and sits down with Exile. "He's a feisty one," Krusty says, referring to Atomic.

"Hey, Krusty, what happened to your hand?" Exile asks.

"Poo Doo Man bit it off," she answers.

"I think I felt my hand hurt too," Exile says. "What does that mean?"

"Too much Space Slut magazine," Krusty answers.

"Oh… right," Exile ponders. "Doesn't it mean we have some strange Jedi bond?"

Krusty rolls her eyes, "You think too much."

"What do you think we'll find on Tealess?" Exile wonders.

"Well," Krusty says, "there are swoop races, Pazaak and a cantina with dancing Twi'lek girls. Same as most planets."

"A cantina?" Exile smiles.

"You'd best stay away from the cantina," Krusty warns. "You need to be mindful of the present."

"Thanks for looking out for my best interests, Krusty," Exile says. "I think I'm starting to feel the force again." He looks at Krusty thoughtfully. "Say, Krusty, do you think you could be my master?"

Krusty lifts her old eyebrows in surprise. "It's been a long time since I did the dominatrix gig, but I think I remember a few tricks."

"Ewww," Exile says, disgusted. "No, I mean my Jedi master. I need to be trained up again in case we run into more of those Sith."

"I suppose I could," she says, "but what's in it for me?" She eyes Exile's strong, muscular chest.

Exile shifts in his chair uncomfortably. "Well, I suppose I can give you a backrub once in a while."

"Deal!" Krusty exclaims, happily. "How about we start now?"

Exile looks about, "Hey, did you hear that? I think Atomic is calling me. See you later, Krusty." He gets up and rushes out of the tearoom.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Tealess**

The Ebon Hawks lands at Whatasmell Station, which is a space city above the planet Tealess. As Krusty, Atomic and Exile exit the ship they are approached by three guards.

"I am Lieutenant Dumb Hen of the Tealess Security Force," says the one of the guards. "You are under arrest for the destruction of the Perilous Mining Facility. Your ship will be detained and inspected and all your belongings will be rifled through."

"We didn't destroy Perilous!" Exile says. "Poo Doo Man did it!"

"Poo who?" Dumb Hen asks. "I've heard enough. Take them away!"

"No, you can't do this!" Atomic whines as they pull him along. "I'm tired of being under arrest. I'm so misunderstood."

"Boo hoo," says Dumb Hen, "save it for someone who cares."

The three travelers are taken to force cages while Dumb Hen and his buddies leave to raid the Ebon Hawk.

"Well, we might as well make ourselves comfortable," Atomic says.

"How are we supposed to do that?" Exile answers. "There is no room to sit in these things."

Just then a rude assassin walks in. "There you are! The last of the Jedi! I'm going to kill you and collect on that bounty."

"How did you get past Dumb Hen and company?" Exile asks.

"There's no one outside this door. They are too busy looting your ship," the assassin says.

"Damn! I hope they don't take my copies of Space Slut Magazine!" Exile worries.

"Space Slut?" the assassin says. "I love that magazine! Did you see the latest issue?"

"Oh, yeah," Exile smiles, "the centerfold in that one? Woo Hoo!"

"I used to date her," Atomic interrupts.

Exile rolls his eyes. "Yeah, right, Atomic. You're so full of it."

"I'm serious," he says, reaching into his back pocket. "I got her information on my datapad right here."

"Let me see that," the assassin says.

"Turn off the force cage and I'll show you," says Atomic.

The assassin turns off Atomics force cage and Atomic leaps off the platform and wrestles the assassin to the floor. They roll around fighting for the next five minutes until Krusty yells, "Atomic! Turn off our cages."

Atomic manages to push away from the assassin and flip the switches for Krusty's and Exile's cages. The assassin leaps onto Exile, his hands around his neck.

"Exile!" yells Atomic. "Be careful."

Exile hears the magic words and vomits into the assassin's face which causes the killer to let go and wipe it. "Damn it! That's nasty," the assassin sputters. Exile, Krusty and Atomic kick and punch the blinded assassin until he's dead on the floor.

Just then Lieutenant Dumb Hen walks in and says, "What's going on in here? Get back in your cages you filthy animals." He sees the body on the ground and says, "You bastards, you killed Kenny."

One of Dumb Hen's pals says, "That's not Kenny. Kenny is on holiday at South Park."

"Oh, yeah," Dumb Hen remembers.

"He said he was an assassin," Exile says. "It was self defense."

"All right, I believe you," says Dumb Hen. "Guess that's why my name is Dumb Hen. I'm going to let you live in an apartment here at Whatasmell Station because I don't want to have to babysit you until the Republic gets here."

"The Republic?" Exile wonders.

"Yeah, Admiral O'Nasty wants to speak with you," Dumb Hen answers.

Exile, Atomic and Krusty are led to an apartment and told to stay put. They gratefully fall onto the beds and sleep. In the middle of the night, the communications console starts to ring.

"What the… ?" says Exile as he rolls out of bed. He walks to the console to see it is one of the guards outside.

"You have an Ithorian visitor named Foxy out here. He wants to speak with you," the guard says.

"It's the middle of the night!" Exile complains.

"We are in space, sir," says the guard. "It is always night."

Exile huffs in impatience. "Fine! Send him in!"

The door opens and Foxy strolls in. "Howdy, Jedi," says Foxy. "My boss, Chowchow Habat, sent me to speak to you. He wants you to help us with a problem."

"What problem?" Exile asks.

"The evil Jerka Corporation is trying to interfere with our restoration project on the surface of Tealess. And since you're a big, bad Jedi, we thought you can use the force and put the fear of Chowchow into them," says Foxy.

"What's in it for me?" asks Exile.

"Chowchow says he can heal you. He says you have a big gaping hole he can help fill," Foxy says.

Krusty says, angrily, "Tell Chowchow that Exile's holes are my business to fill."

"Ewww, Krusty," Exile frowns. "Stay out of this." Exile looks at Foxy. "I'll come talk to Chowchow when I'm free."

"Sounds good, Jedi," Foxy replies. "Catch you later." Foxy turns and leaves the room and Exile returns to bed.

In a few minutes the console rings again. "What now?" Exile grumps as he gets out of bed. This time it's a woman named, Janet Torso.

"Don't listen to the Ithorians!" Janet screams. "We are honest, decent and upstanding people here at Jerka. Come by Jerka later and I'll fill you in."

"Why does everyone want to fill me?" Exile says.

"What?" says Janet.

"Nothing," Exile says. "I come by if I can."

Exile goes back to sleep until Lieutenant Dumb Hen comes back.

"You've been cleared of all charges," Dumb Hen announces. "But you can't leave until Admiral O'Nasty speaks with you. So go ahead and enjoy yourselves here on Whatasmell Station."

"What about our stuff?" Exile asks.

"Oh, yeah," Dumb Hen says, "You have to go to impound and get it out of the lockers. Have a wonderful day." Dumb Hen turns and leaves.

"What should we do?" Atomic asks. "It looks like we are stuck here for awhile."

Exile looks at Krusty, "Didn't you say there was a cantina around here?"

"You promised Jerka and the Ithorians that you'd go see them," Krusty answers. "Though I think helping others is a waste of time. It's better that we look after our own hides."

"Krusty, you're all heart," Exile replies.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Please review this chapter and let me know your thoughts! Hope you enjoyed it.


	7. Ithorian Favors

Here's another chapter in our crazy saga!

**Ithorian Favors**

The three companions left the apartment and walked about the residential module, finally spotting a sign for Jerka Corporation.

"Let's go see Janet Torso," Exile says.

In the reception area of Jerka was a protocol droid. "Hello, I'm I-P4U. Welcome to Jerka Corporation. May I help you?"

"We are here to see Janet Torso," Exile replies.

"Yes, she is expecting you. You can go in," I-P4U says.

They make their way through the offices, passing many people just standing around. "They don't seem very busy around here," Atomic states.

Finally they reach a desk with a tattoo-faced woman. Exile recognizes her from the communications console. "What do you want?" she snaps.

"You told me to come and speak with you," Exile replies, wondering at her bitchy attitude.

"Oh, yes," she says, confused. "I remember now… I think. I need you to do some errands for me."

"Whoa, hold on," Exile replies. "I'm not your errand boy, lady. I'm not sure I care for your bossy attitude. I think I'm going to go speak with the Ithorians."

"The Ithorians?" she screams. "They are the root of all our problems! They are using up all the restoration funds for growing their marijuana. They want to reseed the planet with their weed and then sell it for a profit."

"I don't know about that, I think I'll have to find out for myself," Exile replies. "And why are you yelling at us?"

"Do you have to ask? Look at my hair?" she screams, pulling at her hair with her hands. "I'm having a bad hair day and I have PMS!"

"Sorry about that," Exile says. "Maybe we'll see you later." The three companions turn to leave. They can hear Janet screaming and crying behind them as she stomps her feet.

When they leave the office, Exile says, "Well, that was unpleasant."

"Hey, uh, you really think the Ithorians are growing weed?" Atomic says, hopefully.

Exile shrugs. "Let's go find out." They walk into the Ithorian compound and up to the front desk.

"Welcome, fly boy," the Ithorian at the front desk says. "You looking to feel good?"

"What?" Exile asks, confused. "I'm here to see Chow Chow Habit."

"Ah, you want to see the boss man," the Ithorian replies. "Go on in."

They enter the complex and looked about for Chow Chow, mistakenly arriving in some sort of indoor garden area.

"Yes! This is the stuff all right," Atomic smiles, rubbing his hands together.

"Hey! What are you doing back here?" an Ithorian asks, crossly. "No free samples."

"So it's true, you guys are growing marijuana," Exile replies.

"What! Ah… no… this is just shrubs from the planet surface," the Ithorian says, nervously. "We have to… test them. Yah, that's it, we are testing them."

"Whatever you say, buddy," Exile replies. "We are looking for Chow Chow."

"Other side of the building," the Ithorian says.

They make their way to the other side and see Foxy standing there with another Ithorian.

"Howdy, Jedi," Foxy exclaims. "I'm happy you made it."

"I'm Chow Chow Habit," the other one says. "You're the Jedi with the big gapping hole."

"I suppose so," Exile says, slowly. "What did you want?"

"The evil Jerka Corporation is trying to stop our grow…, I mean restoration of the planet's surface," Chow Chow replies. "We are lovers, not fighters. We need a big strong Jedi to stand up for us."

"We won't be here very long," Exile replies. "I don't know what you expect us to do."

"Well, for starters, we need you to escort a droid from our docking bay, you know, bring it here," Chow Chow says. "We'd do it ourselves, but Jerka's got mercenaries hunting lone Ithorians, making it look like 'accidents'."

"That's terrible," Atomic says. "Why doesn't security stop them?"

"Have you met Dumb Hen and his friends?" Chow Chow says, knowingly.

"Yeah, we see what you mean," Exile answers. "What's in it for me if we do this?"

"Free marijuana to help fill your gaping holes," Chow Chow replies.

"I don't do drugs," Exile says.

"Speak for yourself!" Atomic interrupts. "It sounds like a good deal to me."

"That's because you only have half your brain left," Exile says. Then he looks at Chow Chow. "What else can you do for me?"

"All right, all right," Chow Chow grumps. "You drive a hard bargain, Jedi. I may be able to heal you using ancient Ithorian techniques."

Exile thinks for a moment. "All right, we'll get your droid after we pick up our stuff from the impound lockers."

"Thanks, Jedi," Chow Chow says.

The three companions leave the Ithorian compound and make their way to the Entertainment Module of Whatasmell Station via a shuttle.

On their way to the Tealess Security Force's office, they pass the cantina and Exile pauses.

"That is not our destination," Krusty reminds him.

Just then they notice that two mercenaries are hassling a Sullustan. "What is going on here?" asks Exile.

"Shut your mouth, punk," the mercenary replies. "It's none of your business."

"Please help me," the Sullustan begs. "They say I farted near their table in the cantina. But it wasn't me, it was a Rodian."

Exile turns to the mercenaries. "You heard him. He said he didn't do it, the Rodian did."

The two mercenaries run back into the cantina and drag a Rodian out. They begin to kick and punch him while Exile speaks to the Sullustan.

"Thank you so much for saving me," the little alien says. The Rodian begins screaming in the background as the mercenaries beat the tar out of him. The Sullustan leads Excile away from the scene and says, "I can't hear anything with that Rodian crying for help."

"Yeah," Exile nodded, "I know what you mean. So is there a reward?"

The Sullustan smiles and says, "Yes, here's your reward." He turns and farts at Exile and then runs away.

"Why that little …" exclaims Atomic.

"Forget about it," Exile says, waving his hand in front of his face. "Let's go get our stuff."

They walk in the TSF Station and talk with the protocol droid at the front desk.

"Where's our ship? We need to get our stuff?" Exile asks.

"I'm sorry, but a white haired woman was seen stealing your ship," the droid says.

"What!" Exile exclaims. "How can someone walk in and take our ship? Didn't you have it in lockdown?"

"I really don't know how, sir," says the droid. "But I do know that she took it somewhere on the surface of the planet."

"Can you guys get it back?" Atomic asks.

"So sorry, we can't spend time on that, we have other problems on Whatasmell Station. Your stuff was taken off the ship, however, it's right behind you in the lockers."

"What about my droid, T4-U2?" Exile asks.

"It was a tea serving droid, was it not?" the droid asked.

"Your point is…?"

"Well, sir, Tealess is a tea free zone. That means T4-U2 is now an outlaw. In fact we have security forces searching all over for him now," the droid replies. "There are even mercenaries trying to hunt the slippery tea server down."

"You mean you can't spare the manpower to hunt down a stolen ship, yet you can send a bunch of people after one harmless tea droid?" Exile asks.

The TSF has its priorities, sir," the droid replied.

"Obviously," Exile rolls his eyes. They leave the droid to fetch their equipment from the lockers. Exile throws open all the doors, getting more frantic with each locker he opens. "Where are they? Where are my Space Slut Magazines?" he says frantically. Then he looks at Atomic and Krusty with a knowing look. "I bet that Dumb Hen took them! Come on, let's find him."

They walk further into the office where Dumb Hen is standing. Dumb Hen quickly hides something behind his back when he sees them enter. "What do you want?"

"I know you took them. Give them back," Exile demands.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Dumb Hen replies.

"The Space Slut Magazines, where are they?" Exile says, gripping his sword tightly.

"Probably still on your stolen ship," Dumb Hen says.

Exile studies Dumb Hen's face carefully. "You better be telling me the truth," he threatens.

"You think I have time to read magazines?" Dumb Hen grumps. "We've got lots of problems. First there is your missing tea droid. I can't believe you had the audacity to bring a tea droid to Tealess. Then I can't find my friend, Booty. I sent him to spy on a smuggling operation and I haven't seen him since. Then we have dangerous, psycho killers running around loose at Whatasmell Station, a Devarronian and a Rodian. And to top it off, we can't seem to find the real Kenny, not the fake one that you three killed."

"Well, if you can spare a bit of manpower looking for our ship, maybe I can help you find some of those people," Exile says.

"You would?" Dumb Hen says. "That would be great, seeing that you cut off our fuel supply when you blew up Perilous."

"That wasn't our fault!" Atomic exclaims.

Dumb Hen rolled his eyes. "That's the problem with folks like you. You never want to accept responsibility for your actions. But you can't fool everyone."

"Whatever!" Exile says. "Listen, just find our ship and I'll see what I can do to help you out as well." They leave the TSF Station, deciding to head for the docks and retrieve the droid that the Ithorians wanted.

When they enter the shuttle bay, a Twi'lek man approaches them. "Hey, are you working for the Ithorians?" he asks.

"Yes, I'm helping them," Exile answers.

"Janet Torso says that if you deliver that droid to Jerka, she'll make it worth your while," the Twi'lek says.

"I don't like Janet Torso. She's a bitch," Exile answers plainly.

"You'll be sorry, Jedi. You better watch your back," the Twi'lek threatens and walks away.

They enter the Ithorian shuttle bay and see the droid standing with an Ithorian and one TSF officer.

"Oh, I'm so happy to see you, man," the Ithorian gushes.

Exile eyes the shuttle. "Could this thing take us to the surface of Tealess?"

"That would be up to Chow Chow Habit," the Ithorian says. "Take this droid to him and maybe he can work a deal with you."

"We have company," the droid says. They turn around and see six mercenaries walking towards them.

"Did you forget to close the door behind you, Jedi?" the Ithorian asks.

"Oops," Exile replies.

One of the mercenaries raises their gun and says, "Janet Torso says hello." A battle ensues but six mercenaries are no match for two Jedi and a scoundrel. The poor Ithorian and TSF officer lies dead at their feet.

"Should we forget the droid and snag this shuttle?" Atomic asks.

"Atomic!" Exile exclaims. "We are not thieves."

"But we steal weapons from dead people," Atomic reminds him.

"That's different, they don't need their weapons anymore," Exile replies.

"Speaking of weapons," Krusty says, holding up a strange looking blaster. "Look at this baby."

"Wow, cool," Atomic says, glassy eyed, "someone modified this for sure. But it looks a bit illegal."

"Maybe Dumb Hen will be interested in it," Exile says. "But let's get this droid back to the Ithorian compound."

**Back at the Ithorian Compound**

"Groovy, you got the droid here," Chow Chow says. Here's some special gloves as a reward."

"Gloves?" Exile says. "You promised to heal me!"

"Now, now, don't be hasty, Jedi," Chow Chow says. "Healing would be a very special gift. You have to help us some more to earn that reward."

"How about a shuttle ride to the surface?" Krusty asks.

"That would cost you even more, old one," Chow Chow replies. "Looks like you'll have to help us a lot."

Exile sighs heavily. "Fine! What do you want us to do next?"

"That squid head, Loopy Slush, won't give us the time of day. He's running the Acme Exchange Corporation, but it's just a front for the criminal Exchange. We think he's helping Janet Torso and Jerka. We need you to go talk to him and convince him that it would be more beneficial to him if he helped the Ithorians. Tell him we would give him a piece of the action," Chow Chow explains.

"All right," Exile begrudgingly says.

They find the Acme Exchange Corporation and speak with the Rodian guard outside.

"We want to speak to Loopy Slush," Exile says.

"We have no business with you," the guard says.

"But Chow Chow sent me," Exile says.

"So? We got no business with Chow Chow either."

"How can we make an appointment?"

"Go talk to that whore, Buxom," the Rodian answers. "She's usually at the cantina unless she's busy with Loopy, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah, I get it. How can a whore help us?" Exile asks.

"She's the only one he listens too," the Rodian answered.

OOOOOOOO

**Hope you enjoyed that. Please send a review and let me know. The more people I know are reading this, the more time I spend writing it. Thanks! Hope it made you smile.**


	8. Calamari, Anyone?

**Here's another chapter of our crazy adventure. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I can claim no ownership of the characters or places used in this fiction.**

**

* * *

Calamari, Anyone?**

"Krusty, why are you dragging your feet? We have to get to the cantina and find Buxom," Exile says, looking back at Krusty grumpily.

"I don't think we should help the Ithorians," Krusty replies. "That Chow Chow has ulterior motives."

"I don't care if he wants to paint a rainbow on my forehead; we need his shuttle to get us down to the surface of the planet. The _Ever Hunk_ is somewhere down there, and how are we going to find the remaining Jedi if we don't have a ship?"

"There are no remaining Jedi," Krusty insists. "You are the last one."

Exile covers his ears with his hands. "La, la, la, la, la, I can't hear you," he says. "I refuse to believe there are none left."

They walk into the cantina, bypassing the swoop racing lounge and the Pazaak tables. Atomic slows his feet, looking at the Pazaak players longingly. Krusty sticks her wrinkled hand out and grasps his earlobe in her withered fingers, pulling him along.

"Ouch!" Atomic yells. "Cut that out!"

"Between your gambling and Exile's drinking, we'd be out of credits by day's end," she mutters.

Exile walks up to the droid behind the bar and says, "Juma Juice, please."

Krusty releases Atomic's ear and now pulls Exile's ear until they are standing back from the bar. "Stay focused on the task at hand," she says.

A man standing with a Rodian and a Devaronian start to laugh. "So you're the big, bad Jedi?" the man says.

Exile pulls Krusty's hand off his ear and glares at her. Then he looks at the man and replies, "Who wants to know?"

"I'm Boondock, and these are my pals Mama and Nana," he says, referring to the Rodian and the Devaronian. "We work for Loopy Slush and the exchange. We're his bodyguards."

"Then why aren't you guarding him?" Atomic asks.

"Because," Boondock answers.

"Because why?" Atomic persists.

"None of your business," Boondock replies.

"Hey…" Exile says. "You're a Rodian and a Devaronian."

"So?" Mama the Rodian answers.

"Lieutenant Dumb Hen says that there are two psycho killers on the loose – a Rodian and a Devaronian," Exile says, suspiciously.

"Do we look like psychos?" Nana the Devaronian asks.

Exile shrugs, "I don't know – maybe. You aliens look all alike to me. How am I supposed to tell the psycho ones from the normal ones?"

"Because," says Mama, "if we were psychos we would do this…" He pulls out his blaster and shoots a bar patron standing nearby. "And we'd do this…" He fires another round at an alien sitting at a table and her head explodes.

"Good point," Exile nods.

"Are you boys showing off?" asks a pink alien woman with red hair. She sidles over with her Gamorrean body guards. Exile and Atomic's eyes open wide as they stare at her barely clad bosom.

"Just making a point," Mama replies.

"Go make a point somewhere else," the woman says. When Boondock and his two pals leave, she says, "I'm Buxom."

"You sure are," Atomic says, still ogling her chest.

Krusty slaps his face. "That's her name, fool."

Exile grins and says, "I'm Exile." He pulls up his sleeve to show her his 'Jedi have the biggest lightsabers' tattoo.

Buxom gives him a throaty laugh as she steps closer and runs her pink hand over his muscled arm. "I'd love to see your big lightsaber," she purrs.

Krusty clears her throat to get Exile's attention. Exile waves a hand at her. "Not now, Krusty," he says, without removing his eyes from Buxom.

She clears her throat louder. "Oh, look… free Juma Juice," Krusty says.

Exile's head whips towards the bar. "Where?"

While Exile is distracted, Krusty steps between him and Buxom. "We need to see Loopy Slush. We heard you could get us in," she says.

Buxom smiles, "Oh… you want to see my little Poopsy, Loopy Boopy."

Krusty looks at her a few moments and replies, "Something like that."

Suddenly the smile drops from Buxom's face. "If I get you in, then you have to do something for me."

"Like what?" Atomic says, eying her up and down.

"KILL HIM!" Buxom yells. "I want Loopy dead, dead, dead."

"Why?" Exile asks, glaring at Krusty for tricking him about the Juma Juice.

"That's my business," she replies. "Just kill him and I'll tell you all about your ship."

"You know where it is?" Exile asks.

"Yes, Loopy gives me access to all his terminals. I know everything," Buxom answers. "Give me an hour and then go to the Exchange office. They'll let you in." She turns to her Gamorrean guards. "Come on, boys. Let's go organize the 'Loopy is dead' party." She walks out with the Gamorreans grunting and squealing behind her.

"Well, looks like we have an hour to kill," Atomic says, beginning to move off towards the Pazaak tables. Krusty grabs hold of his ear again.

"Quch! Stop that!" Atomic exclaims.

"There are more productive ways to spend our time," she drones.

"Yeah, like watching the dancers," Exile mumbles, his feet beginning to move towards the Twi'lek dancers on stage.

Krusty throws up her hand and does a force push, propelling Exile and Atomic out of the Cantina door. They lay sprawled in the corridor, slowly getting up. "Damn it, Krusty," Exile grumps, "why'd you do that?"

"You wanted me to give you Jedi training," she says, "so I am."

"Women, drink, gambling…" Krusty continues. "They are distractions we could do without and they are not becoming of a Jedi."

"Yeah, well I'm not a Jedi," Atomic says.

"Praise be to that," Krusty replies. "Let's go show that blaster to Lieutenant Dumb Hen since we are here in this quadrant."

"Fine," Exile says, standing and dusting himself off. "Now I know why I became a drunk," Exile mutters under his breath.

"What did you say?" Krusty asks.

"Nothing," he replies.

**At the TSF Station**

"Well, this is definitely an illegal blaster," Dumb Hen says, flipping it around in his hands.

"We got it from some dead Jerka mercenaries that attacked us in the Ithorians' docking bay," Exile says.

"Jerka?" Dumb Hen marvels. "I wonder if they are behind the big smuggling operation going on here."

"Didn't you say your friend Booty was spying on them before he disappeared?" Exile asks.

"Booty? Who's Booty?" Dumb Hen says, confused.

"I don't know, he's your friend, not mine," Exile answers, wondering at Dumb Hen's short memory.

Dumb Hen slaps his own face. "Yes! I remember now. Booty… That guy could really dance. He would do this thing with his rear end…"

"Hey, whatever, Dumb Hen," Exile interrupts. "We'll go over to the Jerka docking bay and ask about Kenny and Booty. I hope you're working on finding our ship."

Dumb Hen looks blank for a moment. "Oh… yeah, yeah, sure we are. We're working very hard on that."

"Good," Exile says. "We'll be back if we find out anything. You want the illegal blaster?"

"No," Dumb Hen says. "Why don't you folks show it around and see if anyone knows anything more. I've got to get back to finding your ship."

Exile, Atomic and Krusty leave the TSF. Dumb Hen sits down and pulls out one of Exile's Space Slut Magazines from a drawer. "Yep, I'm really busy," he mutters, opening to the centerfold.

**Docking Bay Three**

Exile argues with the Rodian behind the counter. "Why can't you show me the logs? This is a criminal investigation."

"How do I know that you're not the criminal?" the Rodian clerk replies.

Krusty leans over to Exile and whispers in his ear.

Exile looks at her and grins. Then he looks at the Rodian. "You want to give me the information," Exile says, using Force Persuade. "You want to do everything I say."

"I want to give you the information," the Rodian replies, automatically. "I want to do everything you say."

"Good," Exile smiles. "Now, tell me about Kenny. Where did he come from?"

"Nar Shady," the Rodian replies after checking his computer.

"Now, go over to that protocol droid and give him a kiss," Exile orders.

Krusty looks at Exile in surprise as the Rodian walks off towards the protocol droid. "What does kissing droids have to do with this investigation?" she asks.

"Nothing," Exile laughs. "I just thought it would be funny."

Atomic begins laughing hard. "It is funny," he says.

"Do not abuse your power," Krusty warns.

"Oh, come on, Krusty," Exile replies. "You can't tell me that you've never had a little fun with the force?"

Krusty remains still for a moment before a smile begins to form on her mouth. "Well… I suppose I have." She turns towards the Rodian who is now smothering the protesting droid with kisses and says, "You will declare your undying love for the droid."

"I love you, sweet protocol droid," the Rodian is heard saying, smacking the metal with his wet kisses. "I will always love you."

"Please, sir," the struggling droid says, trying to move away. "I must get back to work." The droid begins to walk away but the Rodian is on the floor hanging onto the droid's leg and getting dragged along.

"Please don't leave me," the Rodian cries. "I love you, I love you." A crowd has gathered to watch the spectacle as Exile, Krusty and Atomic laugh.

"Not bad, Krusty, not bad," Exile compliments.

They turn and see a Twi'lek man guarding the hanger door. The Twi'lek man opens his eyes wide and holds up his hands. "No, please, don't use your powers on me," he says. "I don't want to be laughed at."

"Then you better tell us where we can find Booty," Exile says.

"At the cantina… there's plenty of booty there," the Twi'lek replies, nervously.

"No," Krusty barks. "We search for a man named Booty. He was working for Jerka."

"I don't know anything about the man named Booty who was discovered to be a spy and now is hiding from Janet Torso and her band of blood thirsty mercenaries. I don't know anything, I tell you," the Twi'lek says.

Exile looks at him for a moment. "All right, we believe you," he says.

**Back at the TSF Station**

"Listen, I asked someone about that other guy… Kenny, and they said he came to Whatasmell Station from Nar Shady," Exile explains.

"The real Kenny or the fake one that you sucker-punched to death?" Dumb Hen asks.

"The fake one," Exile answers.

Dumb Hen whistles, "Oh, boy, you sure got some bad ass people hunting for you. I sure wouldn't want to be in your shoes. Nar Shady… those people don't fool around, they'll kill you first and then ask questions later."

Atomic looks confused. "How can you answer the questions if you're dead?"

Exile whacks Atomic on the head. "You can't, stupid." Exile looks at Dumb Hen. "So… do we get a reward for that information?"

"Yeah, sure," Dumb Hen says. He turns around and pulls a little ball of fuzz out of a drawer, handing it to Exile.

Exile looks at it. "What is it?"

"Belly button lint from one of the Twi'lek dancers at the cantina," Dumb Hen grins.

"Cool," Atomic says, putting his face closer to the lint ball in Exile's hand and marveling over it.

"Here, you can have it," Exile says.

"Really?" Atomic asks, surprised.

"Yeah," Exile says. "It seems to mean something to you."

Atomic plucks the lint from Exile's hand and closes his fingers around it with a grin.

"It seems that Janet Torso has some explaining to do," Exile says. "We'll go pay Jerka a little visit. By the way, have you guys found T4-U2 yet?"

Dumb Hen's smile left his face. "No. But now we got posters." He points to the wall.

Exile turns about and notices dozens of posters picturing T4-U2 holding a teapot with his mechanical arm. A caption under the picture says, "Wanted: T4-U2, illegal tea serving droid. Approach with caution, he's armed and dangerous. 5000 credits for his capture, 2000 credits for news leading to his capture."

"That's ridiculous," Exile says. "He's harmless."

"And those dead Sith assassins that we found on your ship, the ones whom we analyzed and found poisoned tea in their systems, would they say T4-U2 is harmless?" Dumb Hen asked, knowingly.

"Dead people can't talk, remember?" says Atomic.

"I can explain that…" Exile says.

"Don't bother, I won't believe you anyway," Dumb Hen states.

Exile shakes his head as they leave the office. "Jerk," Exile mumbles.

**Jerka Corporation Offices**

"Hey there, IP-4U," Exile says to the protocol droid at the front desk. "Have you ever seen one of these?" Exile hands the modified blaster to the droid.

"Oh, yes, they are quite common, sir," IP-4U says. "Jerka makes many of these. But this particular one seems to have some illegal modifications."

"Jerka makes them, eh?" Exile repeats. "I want to see Janet Torso."

"I'm sorry, sir," IP-4U says. "Janet Torso does not want to see you. She says if you showed up I was to say to you, 'Eat poo doo and die'."

"We'll just see about that!" Exile says, ignoring the protests of the droid as the three of them walk off through the Jerka offices.

Janet Torso opens her eyes wide in surprise as Exile, Atomic and Krusty approach. "What do you want?" she screeches. "I can call my mercenaries in here at any moment!"

"You already tried that, Torso," Exile says. "We took care of your little welcome committee at the Ithorian docking bay."

"I don't know what you're talking about, you have no proof!" she screams. Atomic covers his ears.

"We just need some straight answers from you," Exile states, forcefully. "First, we want to see Booty!"

Janet Torso opens her eyes wide. "What! I'm not showing you my booty!"

"I mean the man who worked for you. His name was Booty. We know you did something with him. Tell us," Exile demanded.

"Booty?" Janet frowned. "That freak was always sticking his big butt in everyone's business, stupid dope fiend. I think you should ask the Ithorians about him. He was probably their biggest customer. But… if you do find him… Jerka would really like to know where he is."

"So you can silence him forever?" Krusty asks.

"No, of course not," Janet replies. "Jerka just… owes him a paycheck. Yeah, that's it… we owe him some credits."

"Uh huh," Exile says, suspiciously. "Booty didn't happen to find out about… oh, I don't know… a certain illegal operation Jerka is involved in?" Exile holds up the modified blaster and lifts his eyebrows at Janet.

Janet looks at a clock on the wall. "So sorry, it's my dinner break. I'm officially off of work. Good bye." She turns and walks through a heavily guarded door.

"Damn!" Atomic exclaims.

"What's the matter with you?" Exile asks.

"I was hoping you two would do that Force Persuade thing again and make her show us her booty after all," Atomic says.

"Don't be such a pervert," Krusty replies. "An hour has passed. I believe we have an appointment with Loopy Slush."

"Let's go," says Exile.

**Acme Exchange Corporation**

The three companions make it easily into the Exchange compound, thanks to Buxom's preparations. Gamorrean guards stand about, giving them the silent thumbs up as they pass. It's obvious that they are all on Buxom's side. When the doors open on one room, they notice it full of Exchange thugs including Boondock and his pals, Mama and Nana. In the middle of it all stands Loopy Slush, the squid headed Quarren.

"What are you doing in here?" Loopy demands. "How did you get in?"

"Through the front door," Exile says. "Chow Chow Habit wants to make a deal with you. He wants you to stop helping Jerka and side with him instead. You'd get a piece of the action."

"Chow Chow is small time," Loopy replies. "Jerka is the wave of the future. Too bad you won't be a part of that future. Mama, Nana, go to Janet Torso and tell her that we are going to take care of her little problem now. Boondock, you and the rest kill these idiots." Loopy turns to retreat into his office.

Mama and Nana walk past them and Atomic says, "Janet Torso is on her dinner break, you'll have to wait." The two killers just glare at him and continue on their way.

"I don't want to hurt anyone," Exile says.

Boondock laughs. "Then don't. Die, Jedi," he says as he pulls out his blaster.

"Ah, screw it," Exile says, pulling out his vibrosword. A battle ensues. The other thugs go down easily, but Boondock has one of those modified blasters and he proves a bit more difficult. Finally Exile hacks him up and they make their way into the next room.

Gamorrean guards grunt in approval and then open Loopy's office door before running away.

Loopy stands up from behind his desk. "How did you get this far?"

"We used the door again. Are you going to listen to us or not?" Exile says.

"What is it?" Loopy asks.

"The Ithorians…" Exile begins again.

"Are nothing but greedy stoners," Buxom says as she steps into the office with three Gamorreans behind her.

"Buxom!" Loopy says in surprise. "What are you doing? Are you helping this Jedi?"

"Yes, my little poopy bear," Buxom says in baby talk. "I'm tired of having to kiss all your tentacles, you slimy squid. I've seen how everything works around here and I'm taking over."

"You've turned my Gamorreans against me!" Loopy exclaims.

"That's right," Buxom says.

"Hey," interrupts Exile. "How about we try to settle this peacefully?"

"Kill him!" Buxom ordered. "That was the deal. I'll tell you where your ship is if you do."

"But… he's not armed," Exile replies.

Suddenly Krusty raises her hand and lightening shoots out, frying Loopy like breaded calamari. "Now tell us," Krusty commanded.

Exile looks at her in surprise. "You're scary sometimes, Krusty."

"Well," says Buxom, "I don't really know. I just wanted you to kill Loopy for me. Now my boys here will kill you."

"But… I thought you wanted to see my lightsaber," Exile says with a hurt look.

"I'll take a peek at it once you're dead, all right?" she says impatiently. "Do it, boys!"

"Krusty, fry her!" Exile yells.

"I can't," Krusty yells back. "My force is depleted from frying Loopy."

"Just great," Exile says, getting into battle with a very big Gamorrean. When the Gamorrean was dead he glanced over at Atomic who was straddling Buxom and holding her down. Buxom was making eyes at Atomic, trying to trick him into letting her go.

"Don't trust her, Atomic," Exile yelled while battling yet another Gamorrean.

"Kill her, kill her," yelled Krusty.

Atomic had a blaster in one hand and was trying to decide where to shoot her, but his eyes kept getting distracted by her large breasts. "Well, ah… how about… here…"

Suddenly Buxom's head rolled away from her body and Atomic looked up at Krusty who was holding a bloody sword in one hand. Then he hopped off Buxom's body with disgust. "Eww…"

"You fool," Krusty scolded.

Exile came up behind them after finishing off the Gamorreans. He looked at Buxom's headless body. "What a waste," he said.

"Yeah," Atomic agreed. "You think it would be wrong to… ah… take a little peek?"

Krusty grabs his earlobe again and starts to pull him out of the office.

"Ahhh… Krusty… stop… I was just kidding," Atomic yells.

OOOOO

**Hope you enjoyed that. Please leave a review – they really motivate me. Thanks!**


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